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Saturday, 17 October 2009

  • to new memories

    so i've decided to start blogging more regularly again.
    but i need a new place...a fresh palate.

    i'm not retiring this blog entirely. it will just no longer be my primary blogging residence.

    there are so many memories on here that i don't want to forget...but that i really don't want to remember each day either.

    even after all these months since losing my dad, it's still the most painful wound in my life.
    i've decided that there's just some things you never get over. at most you just learn how to live with them.

    my life will never be what it was before...my family will never be what it was before.
    i can't imagine it ever being better than it was before. because nothing could be better without my dad than with him.

    but still i want to try to go ahead and embrace what it is now that my life and family have become...and make new memories.

    so here's the link to a new blog address where i'm going to try and move forward.
    http://mandyandshomik.blogspot.com/

    we'll see how this goes.

Monday, 27 July 2009

  • staring at the sun

    now its been more than a year since losing my dad, yet it's still hard to think of him.

    somehow i thought it would be different now.
    the whole time he's been gone i've struggled between not wanting to forget a single moment we had together, but also not being able to remind myself of those memories.

    thinking of him is still kind of like looking at the sun.
    it might be lovely for a moment, but it burns my eyes and i have to look away.
    it hurts too bad to stare.

    its frustrating. not being able to enjoy even the pieces of him that i have left with me.


Tuesday, 21 July 2009

  • one year

    well today is one year...
    one year since the worst day of my life...not that the days surrounding it were much of an improvement for awhile.

    i can't believe this world has been a year without my dad. way too long. too long to think about. i'm glad to be distanced a year from that horrible day of losing him.
    but at the same time i hate to be distanced a year from being with him.

    i know that ultimately as time flows on that i'm actually nearing closer to being with him again.
    but those aren't days that i can count...so they might as well be forever.

    at the same time that it feels like it's been way too long without him...
    it also feels like things have moved so fast. that horrible day still feels like yesterday.
    those last memories of him still feel so fresh.

    i will always miss him, and i will always love him.
    i still hate being without him as much as the first day...and i think i always will.
    i'm thankful that God has been with us through this year though.

    i'm sure that someday when we're with God it will all make perfect sense and be completely beautiful...but that doesn't mean that the loss now is without pain.

Sunday, 21 June 2009

  • father's day

    this is my first father's day without a father. well, at least an earthly father.

    not an easy day. my memories of spending last father's day with my sweet daddy are still so fresh. it seems like it was only last week, and not a whole year ago.

    it was such a sweet day. that's the last time i heard him preach too. he preached one of my favorite sermons...about the prodigal son...or, as he liked to say, the story is really about the loving father.

    shomik and i might be buying a house. this has been something long coming. we've been casually looking for about a year and a half. last summer it was something we were talking with my dad about, and he was advising us on what to look for, and how it was a really good time to consider buying.

    so it's something we've long looked forward to, and also something that i know he would be glad about...so i'm really excited. but also a little sad. there are so many questions i wish i could ask him, and so many things i want to show him. this is the first major decision in my life really that i'm having to make without him, and at moments it seems to serve as a reminder that he's gone.
    this week with this, combined with father's day and some other stuff, i've really felt his absence hard.

    over the past few months i've realized how much my dad was sometimes the center of my world...and not necessarily in a good way. i should have never anchored myself in a mere mortal that strongly i guess. of course i always try to make sure that God is the center of my world...but it almost seems like a natural default to cling to a person that you love so much at times.

    i love my heavenly father so much though, and i'm so glad that i can never be separated from him. my dad did an amazing job of showing me a glimpse of the love that a heavenly father can give. because of my dad's amazing love, i feel like he paved the way for me to understand and accept an even more amazing heavenly father and his love.

    anyways, i just felt the need for a little blog therapy today. i don't think anyone really reads xanga anymore, and honestly that may be one of it's virtues for me these days. most of my blogs over the past year have been for me more than anyone.

Tuesday, 05 May 2009

  • thoughts from germany

    so why have i been so absent from the blogging world lately?

    there's no real reason. i think perhaps i hate continuously blogging about the same thing over and over...the same pain i mean. the same emotions of grief that have been a huge part of my life for the past nine months are still a part of daily life...even though good things are happening now.

    grief seems to be more of a cycle than a straight path.

    don't get me wrong. life is getting easier to deal with...for the most part. but when the grief strikes, it's still like a punch to the stomach.

    but despite all these things, the past few months have been exciting.
    amazing really.

    shomik's job has had him traveling quite a bit...to san diego and to germany.
    that's the bad news...but the good news is that his daily allowance from the company has been enough to more than cover his expenses, plus enough to pay for me to pay him a visit in both places.
    plus with our india trip a couple months ago, the home makeover, as well as some exciting things that have been happening in ministry and all this year, i really can't complain. this year so far has been like 5 packed into one.

    i'm writing this blog from munich germany actually...
    it's nice to get to be here with shomik for part of the time. being apart from him is not something i enjoy.

    yeah...so life is exciting....but weird.
    i don't really know how to explain it.

    i think God has been blessing me with new memories this year...
    which is something i was desperately needing.

    because despite the fact i have so many beautiful life memories, all the memories before losing my dad still bring pain and not sweetness.

    the memories directly related to him are painful for obvious reasons...
    but even the memories he wasn't a part of hurt...
    because i was a different person in those memories. i guess a part of me even grieves the person i was before.

    so now i'm making new memories...and it's been great...
    but also..sad?

    i don't expect this to make sense because my emotions confuse even myself...

    but now it's like every happiness is tinged with sadness because i'm unable to share it with him.

    he and i were cut from the same cloth...
    the things that excited me i knew would also excite him.

    these past couple months i've gotten to see so many wonderful and amazing things that i only wish i could share them all with him.

    i wonder if life will always be this way?

    i am able to feel happiness again...but will happiness always be tinged with sadness from now on?

whitedesi

  • Visit whitedesi's Xanga Site
    • Birthday: 1/12/1981
    • Gender: Female
    • Member Since: 9/11/2004

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