Tuesday, 05 May 2009

• thoughts from germany

  so why have i been so absent from the blogging world lately?
  
  there's no real reason. i think perhaps i hate continuously blogging about the same thing over and over...the same pain i mean. the same emotions of grief that have been a huge part of my life for the past nine months are still a part of daily life...even though good things are happening now.
  
  grief seems to be more of a cycle than a straight path.
  
  don't get me wrong. life is getting easier to deal with...for the most part. but when the grief strikes, it's still like a punch to the stomach.
  
  but despite all these things, the past few months have been exciting.
  amazing really.
  
  shomik's job has had him traveling quite a bit...to san diego and to germany.
  that's the bad news...but the good news is that his daily allowance from the company has been enough to more than cover his expenses, plus enough to pay for me to pay him a visit in both places.
  plus with our india trip a couple months ago, the home makeover, as well as some exciting things that have been happening in ministry and all this year, i really can't complain. this year so far has been like 5 packed into one.
  
  i'm writing this blog from munich germany actually...
  it's nice to get to be here with shomik for part of the time. being apart from him is not something i enjoy.
  
  yeah...so life is exciting....but weird.
  i don't really know how to explain it.
  
  i think God has been blessing me with new memories this year...
  which is something i was desperately needing.
  
  because despite the fact i have so many beautiful life memories, all the memories before losing my dad still bring pain and not sweetness.
  
  the memories directly related to him are painful for obvious reasons...
  but even the memories he wasn't a part of hurt...
  because i was a different person in those memories. i guess a part of me even grieves the person i was before.
  
  so now i'm making new memories...and it's been great...
  but also..sad?
  
  i don't expect this to make sense because my emotions confuse even myself...
  
  but now it's like every happiness is tinged with sadness because i'm unable to share it with him.
  
  he and i were cut from the same cloth...
  the things that excited me i knew would also excite him.
  
  these past couple months i've gotten to see so many wonderful and amazing things that i only wish i could share them all with him.
  
  i wonder if life will always be this way?
  
  i am able to feel happiness again...but will happiness always be tinged with sadness from now on?
  
  

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