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Sunday, 21 June 2009

father's day

this is my first father's day without a father. well, at least an earthly father.

not an easy day. my memories of spending last father's day with my sweet daddy are still so fresh. it seems like it was only last week, and not a whole year ago.

it was such a sweet day. that's the last time i heard him preach too. he preached one of my favorite sermons...about the prodigal son...or, as he liked to say, the story is really about the loving father.

shomik and i might be buying a house. this has been something long coming. we've been casually looking for about a year and a half. last summer it was something we were talking with my dad about, and he was advising us on what to look for, and how it was a really good time to consider buying.

so it's something we've long looked forward to, and also something that i know he would be glad about...so i'm really excited. but also a little sad. there are so many questions i wish i could ask him, and so many things i want to show him. this is the first major decision in my life really that i'm having to make without him, and at moments it seems to serve as a reminder that he's gone.
this week with this, combined with father's day and some other stuff, i've really felt his absence hard.

over the past few months i've realized how much my dad was sometimes the center of my world...and not necessarily in a good way. i should have never anchored myself in a mere mortal that strongly i guess. of course i always try to make sure that God is the center of my world...but it almost seems like a natural default to cling to a person that you love so much at times.

i love my heavenly father so much though, and i'm so glad that i can never be separated from him. my dad did an amazing job of showing me a glimpse of the love that a heavenly father can give. because of my dad's amazing love, i feel like he paved the way for me to understand and accept an even more amazing heavenly father and his love.

anyways, i just felt the need for a little blog therapy today. i don't think anyone really reads xanga anymore, and honestly that may be one of it's virtues for me these days. most of my blogs over the past year have been for me more than anyone.

Tuesday, 05 May 2009

thoughts from germany

so why have i been so absent from the blogging world lately?

there's no real reason. i think perhaps i hate continuously blogging about the same thing over and over...the same pain i mean. the same emotions of grief that have been a huge part of my life for the past nine months are still a part of daily life...even though good things are happening now.

grief seems to be more of a cycle than a straight path.

don't get me wrong. life is getting easier to deal with...for the most part. but when the grief strikes, it's still like a punch to the stomach.

but despite all these things, the past few months have been exciting.
amazing really.

shomik's job has had him traveling quite a bit...to san diego and to germany.
that's the bad news...but the good news is that his daily allowance from the company has been enough to more than cover his expenses, plus enough to pay for me to pay him a visit in both places.
plus with our india trip a couple months ago, the home makeover, as well as some exciting things that have been happening in ministry and all this year, i really can't complain. this year so far has been like 5 packed into one.

i'm writing this blog from munich germany actually...
it's nice to get to be here with shomik for part of the time. being apart from him is not something i enjoy.

yeah...so life is exciting....but weird.
i don't really know how to explain it.

i think God has been blessing me with new memories this year...
which is something i was desperately needing.

because despite the fact i have so many beautiful life memories, all the memories before losing my dad still bring pain and not sweetness.

the memories directly related to him are painful for obvious reasons...
but even the memories he wasn't a part of hurt...
because i was a different person in those memories. i guess a part of me even grieves the person i was before.

so now i'm making new memories...and it's been great...
but also..sad?

i don't expect this to make sense because my emotions confuse even myself...

but now it's like every happiness is tinged with sadness because i'm unable to share it with him.

he and i were cut from the same cloth...
the things that excited me i knew would also excite him.

these past couple months i've gotten to see so many wonderful and amazing things that i only wish i could share them all with him.

i wonder if life will always be this way?

i am able to feel happiness again...but will happiness always be tinged with sadness from now on?

Thursday, 26 March 2009

home makeover

well the cat's finally out of the bag, and i'm so glad that i can finally freely talk about a thing that has been a huge part of my life for the past few months!
i've been dying to blog on this one for awhile!

every year chi alpha students do an extreme home makeover during spring break for someone deserving...this year they had decided they wanted to do it for the widow of a minister, and my mother was that recipient!

my parents actually used to be chi alpha ministers at one point themselves, so the choice was pretty clear i think of who it should be for this year.

my parents had bought a fixer upper a few years back out in the country...a place my dad just instantly loved...and a place my mom has really grown to love as well.

but there was a lot of work to do...more than just one man could take on really...i definitely know that now...
so when my dad passed away, many projects had begun, but were left unfinished.

so for months we've been secretly working with contractors and different folks to get this thing together...and all of this was a total surprise to my mom!

my grandpa and aunt went away for a few days with my mom, and as soon as she pulled out, we were there with construction crews and ready to go!

more than 115 students volunteered their time, as well as 6 contractors, churches, my dad's team of employees at SAGU IT, and many more. Thousands of dollars worth of supplies were miraculously donated. It was amazing to see God bring about one surprise after another.

the result is phenomenal.

i really felt like this would be a huge blessing for my mom...
although at moments i did have my doubts. was it too soon to try something like this? doing this amazing thing for my mom also meant changing things from the way my dad had left them...it's hard to gauge where anyone is in grief...even yourself.

most of my major doubts hit me midway through...when everything was demolished and it was too late to turn back thankfully! haha.

the result is not only a beautiful place now that was my parent's dream together...but also i feel like it's going to help along the healing...for my mom...and also for the rest of us.

one of the most difficult things for me during the home makeover is when we found some cans of paint that my parents had picked out together. i knew that this summer they had bought all the paints and wall papers that they wanted to do the house in...but when i picked up the cans of paint i saw that they were mixed the day before my dad passed away.
it was one of the last things he was wanting to do.

so now i think when us and my mom see the house, we're not seeing the projects that my dad was only half way able to finish haunting us...
instead we see his dreams accomplished.

it feels like moving forward...but moving forward with him somehow.
i know this would have made him so happy...and i think it probably is.

follow the link for pictures and video!
yes! even the local news got wind of this project!

ps- a few little things are still being finished...but we'll get there! and my mom is thrilled!

Sunday, 15 March 2009

back from india...for awhile now...

well we've been back from india for a bit now.
sorry for the lack of blogging.
i hoped to blog from india and didn't get a chance, so since then i've been procrastinating out of shame!
our trip was good though. fast but good.
we had a lot we needed to accomplish there, and pretty much everything turned out well.
it was also great to get to build a closer relationship with my inlaws. i really wish our families weren't so scattered across the earth. but at least the world is smaller now than it used to be.
we were able to meet the child my dad was sponsoring in school from the slums. that was such a great experience that really touched my heart. that ministry is really doing something amazing. i hope to make that visit a tradition every time we get to go to india!
so far 2009 has been a really crazy year.
not in a bad way...in a good way...but there have just been so many random busy things happening, that it feels like i am yet to get back into a normal routine this year...and i'm a routine kind of girl.
so i'm ready for life to kind of normalize again. it helps me deal with all the events of the past few months better somehow...otherwise i somehow seem to get more easily overwhelmed.
i wouldn't mind things being slightly boring for a few months now if that makes sense.
so here's a few fun pics from india...india is a place that's easier to describe with pictures than with words...

u never know what you'll see on the street...and no, those guys aren't gay...there's no opposite sex pda there, but plenty of platonic same sex pda!

riding a train...the life line of mumbai.

lots o'monkies

us with little abhishek!

a shot from marine drive...

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

off to india

so tomorrow shomik and i are off to india.

i haven't mentioned it on the blog, because last time i blogged i had no idea we were going!

we were planning to go in the summer, but due to some changes in my husband's job, we found out we would either have to take a quick trip now, or else wait another year...
since it's already been almost 2 years since we saw my husband's family we decided it was important to try and go now...even though that meant stressfully throwing together a last minute trip!

i'm excited. or i know i will be once i'm on the plane tomorrow. we've been so busy that it's been hard to think about it enough to get too excited yet. it still doesn't seem possible that we're going!

i'm looking forward to seeing my inlaws.

we try hard to make a point of communicating with them regularly, but still it's hard sometimes to build the depth of relationship that you'd like to from the other side of the world. so i'm hoping to really make the most of this time we'll have with them.

one neat thing i'm looking forward to is visiting a child my family sponsors through mission of mercy.

actually this summer my dad had started sponsoring this child that lives in the slums of mumbai named abhishek. he chose him from among dozens of pictures of children because he thought he looked like a young version of shomik!

he was excited for us to see the picture...and it's true...there's a resemblance.
i had mentioned to my dad that maybe sometime when we're in india we could all meet abhishek, and he had seemed to like that idea.

so i would have made a point to meet little abhishek even if all these events of the past few months hadn't taken place...but now that will mean something extra special to me.

i love being able to do things that i know would make my dad extra happy.
also those children who grow up in the slums have a special place in my heart. it's hard for me to spend much time in india with my eyes open without my heart being broken in that regard.

so be praying for us. i'm sure now that mumbai has been through the ringer it's probably safer now than it has been in years, but i know that the recent terrorist attacks are still on people's minds.

also we'll be having to deal with a few challenges possibly while we're there, so just be praying that the whole trip will be covered in blessing.

hopefully i'll get a chance to throw out a blog or two from india...
but now i should wrap this up because i still have a million and one things to do before take off!